


And the Known Path Was Lost

by NorthernStar



Series: Jesse's Journey [4]
Category: Diagnosis Murder
Genre: M/M, case-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthernStar/pseuds/NorthernStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's world falls apart when his lover is killed and in the resulting aftermath, Jesse begins to question his feelings...</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the Known Path Was Lost

## 

****

**_ Tempus Fugit…(Three years have passed…) _ ** _ _

###  Thursday, 08:13

Steve crept quietly out of bed, careful not to disturb the snoozing lump at his side.He resisted laying a brief kiss on the tousled head just peeking up from under the duvet.

Steve grabbed a quick shower, and pulled on his shirt and jeans over still damp skin, watching the clock as it ticked off minutes so fast it was as if he’d awoken in a time warp.Well, that was what you got for spending half the night making love to one of the most beautiful men on the planet.

Unable to resist any longer, he leaned over and pressed his lips against his lover’s brow.

The young man opened his eyes and gave him a bleary smile.“You’re not the morning-after cuddle type then.”

“I am…” He said, “but I’m late for work.”

“Good, ‘cause…” His lover sat up, looking adorably shy.“’Cause I was hoping last night wasn’t just hormones.”

Steve looked down, cursing himself and Nathan hurried to finish.

“I know…I know you’re not…” he swallowed.“I know what you said about the…that guy.But, I thought we could have fun.Together.”

Steve brushed a lock of floppy bleach blonde hair from Nathan’s brow.“It was definitely hormones…but it wasn’t _just_ hormones.”He told him.“And we do need to talk.Later.”

*****

Mark was making an omelette when Steve walked in, still deep in thought over the hope on Nathan's face.He’d known, of course, that getting involved with the young man was probably a mistake, and his long held feelings for Jesse would only end up hurting them both.As he had hurt a couple of others in the past.

“Will Nat be joining us?”His father asked.

Steve laughed.“He says he’s not the up before 10 type if he doesn’t have classes.”He poured himself a glass of juice.“One of the benefits of being a grad student.”

Mark watched in amazement as Steve seemed to inhale his toast, and guzzle down half a carton of juice in a few minutes.“Late again?”

“Yeah.”

“You ought to be rolling around on the floor with indigestion.”

“I’ve had years to perfect the art of quick breakfasts.”Steve replied, grabbing his keys and shrugging into his jacket.“See you later, Dad.”

He walked out as far as the gate when a yell stopped him in his tracks.“Steve!”

He turned and was treated to the sight of Nathan pulling a T-shirt over his bleached head while racing towards him, still mussed from sleep and last nights activities.

Steve opened the passenger side door, smiling.“Need a lift?”

Nathan dropped into the seat.“Classes!”He gasped.“Forgot.”

*******

“Dr Sloan to emergency.Dr Sloan to emergency.Stat.”

Mark hurried towards the ER.He hadn’t heard of any large accidents that would usually pull him away from his rounds.Amanda was waiting for him, eyes clearly worried and afraid. “What is it?”He asked.

“It’s Steve.”She told him.“They’ve just brought him and his friend in.His car went off the road.”

“How bad is it?”

Amanda didn’t have time to answer as they saw Steve.Mark felt his heart drop out when he saw the blood soaked body of his son on a gurney.One of the nurses, Julia Tyler, was fitting an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.He felt a flash of anger that Jesse wasn’t tending Steve, although he knew in triage situations, the doctors went where they were needed most.And that often wasn’t where they wanted to be.

A moment later, Jesse rushed past with another patient, this one with his entire lower half crushed and bleeding.Jesse looked briefly at Mark.“It’s Nathan.”He said and hurried after the gurney.

*****

It was two long, terrible hours before Steve was finally stable.He’d fractured two ribs, suffered an internal bleed into his chest cavity and received a concussion from being crushed against the steering wheel on the moment of impact.Nathan, who’d been on the side of the car that had been crushed, had suffered major abdominal and cranial trauma.And it was unlikely his legs would be saved despite the immediate surgery Jesse had ordered.

Mark settled by his son’s bedside and watched him sleep, trying hard not to be selfishly thankful that his son was here instead of in the OR in Nathan’s place.

Julia came by several hours later and told him that Nathan was being moved to the ICU and that Jesse was out of surgery.He left Steve in her hands when he went to find the young doctor.

Mark found Jesse cleaning up, removing blood-soaked scrubs and looking at least ten years older.He’d known Nathan, through his grandmother, one of Jesse’s oldest patients, and he had been the one to introduce him to Steve.

“Jesse?How’s Nathan?”

“He’s in the ICU.Full life support.He had a large subdural haemorrhage, which Dr Khan evacuated, but there’s a hellva lot of damage.”

Mark sensed there was more.“And?”

“And I’ve recommended an EEG.”

Shock reverberated through him.“Are you sure?”

“Dr Kramer is gong to check my initial diagnosis later today, but… I’m pretty certain.” He looked earnestly at Mark.“I’m sorry.I’m so, so sorry.I tried everything…”

Mark immediately lay an arm around him, “I know you did, Jesse.”

“How’s Steve?”

“Resting. We had to open his chest to stop the bleeding and he’s had a couple of units, but he’s going to be fine.”

Jesse ran a hand through his hair, disgust with himself plain on his face.“No, he isn’t! He and Nathan were…weren’t they?”

Mark nodded; knowing Jesse’s anger was just tiredness and frustration and not directed at anyone but himself.

“When are you going to tell Steve?”

“Soon.”

Jesse straightened, pushing aside his own feelings and exhaustion in order to help. “Would you like me to be there?”

Mark smiled slightly, touched by the offer.“No, I think its best if its just me.”

*******

Steve woke shortly before eight later that day.His father was sitting in the chair beside him, head nodding as he dozed.He heard movement on the other side of him and moved his head.A pretty curly haired nurse smiled back at him as she emptied his catheter bag.

She smiled at him.“Hey there.”

Steve licked his dry lips.“Water?”

The nurse checked his notes before pouring him a glass from the jug at his bedside.She held it to his mouth.

“Thanks.”

He lay back and closed his eyes.He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he opened them again, but when he did, his father was gone and the girl was by the door with an exhausted looking Jesse.They were talking softly, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying.He saw the girl take something small and shiny from Jesse and embraced him.Jesse hugged her back a moment before noticing Steve.

“Hi.”

“N…Na-Nathan?”

Jesse came to stand by the bed.“Steve…”

He took Jesse’s wrist.“Please, is he…is he OK?”

“He’s in the ICU.”The young doctor replied gently.“I think this is a conversation you should be having with your dad.”

“Tell me!”

Jesse wouldn’t meet his eyes.“I can’t, Steve.I promised Mark.”

Tired and under the influence of painkilling drugs, Steve fought to keep awake.“Where is he?”

“I’m here.”Mark said, as he came to stand by Jesse.The younger doctor looked relieved and reached out to squeeze Steve’s shoulder.“I’ll come by later, OK?”

Steve nodded.Then looked at his father.“Dad?Is Nathan…?”

Mark shook his head.“I don’t know, Steve.We have to run some tests, but we should know more in the morning.”

*******

Jesse found Nathan’s grandmother, Mrs Reeves, waiting for him outside the ICU.She had never looked her age before, even during the long and painful cancer treatments she’d endured when Jesse was just an intern, but today she appeared to be every one of her seventy-two years.

“Jesse!”She said, taking his hand.Her relief at his arrival warmed him.“My Nat?”

He covered her hands with his own.“I’ll take you to him.”

******

It was late night when Jesse crept into Steve’s room and saw his broad shape curled up in the bed.At his side, dozing in the chair, was a shadow.

Steve and Mark, father and son ... sleeping peacefully.

Jesse felt a sickness coil in his stomach.He was just an intruder in their lives.And outsider.This was something he could never be part of.He turned to go.

But found he couldn’t move.

He needed to see Steve.Reassure himself that he was whole and perfect.See his chest rise and fall with life and feel the gentle warm breath created.

They had almost lost him today.

_ He _ had almost lost him. 

Tears began to roll down his cheeks.Confused, frightened tears. A wave of tiredness washed over him and he forced himself to leave.He couldn’t let himself feel what he was feeling.He _shouldn’t_ feel what he was feeling…

** ****2**** **

###  Friday, 05:02

It was almost dawn when Jesse returned to his condo.He had worked two shifts in a row to be there for the results of the EEG, which had confirmed his fears.Nathan was gone.Jesse had then helped explain to a frail old woman why her warm, breathing, healing grandson was just an empty shell.Dead on the inside, if not the out.

Coming home had seemed moot since he had another shift in a few hours, but he needed a shower and a change of clothes.

He found his mail neatly placed on the table, paper weighted by a Hershey bar and a hastily scribbled ‘thank you’ note.Smiling, he picked it up, pulled off the wrapper and began munching.He tripped over half way to the kitchen and realised his houseguest had left her bags in the middle of the room.

Jesse went into the bathroom and threw off his clothes.He stood under the shower for a long time, turning it up as hot as he could stand.The water helped ease the wiriness he felt, but did nothing to calm the sickness that had begun to coil in his stomach as his mind replayed the day’s events.Showing him alternate events, life and death switched places.Nathan living, Steve dying…

When he came out, towel around his waist, Julia was sitting up waiting for him.“How’s your friend?”She asked.

Jesse sighed, “OK.But his…the other guy.”He shook his head to indicate what he couldn’t bring himself to say.

“Are you OK?”

Jesse chuckled bitterly.“Me?It’s Steve you should be worrying about.”

“I don’t really know Steve.”She said honestly. Then she frowned, noticing something about him.“You’re shaking, Jess!”

“Its nothing.”He curled his trembling hands into fists.

Julia put her own over them.“It’s not nothing.”She told him. “Its post-traumatic. You almost lost your best friend today.”

Jesse shook his head.“Jule, I’m fine!”

“We can talk about it if you want.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There is.You look like death. I know you worked more than two shifts when-”

“I wanted to be there for the EEG results.”

“Which anyone on the staff could’ve phoned you with.You could have come home and rested until then.”She squeezed his hands.“I’ve done it myself.Try to keep working so you don’t have to think about it.But you have to eventually.”

He intertwined their fingers, met her eyes.“I was so scared…”

Smiling, she pulled him into her arms.

******

** Friday,  ** ** 10:13 **

The curly haired nurse woke Steve from a drug-induced doze, carrying in yet another huge bunch of flowers into his room.He saw the nametag on her bosom, informing him her name was “Julia Tyler,” and her casual manner and lack of introduction told him she thought he was already familiar with her.

“Is Dr Sloan available?”

She shook her head; “he’s up in the OR.Jesse is, though.”

The man in question chose that moment to walk through the door.The nurse grinned.“My mother always said I shouldn’t speak the devils name or he might appear.”

Jesse stuck his hands in his pockets.“Your mother loves me.”He picked up Steve’s chart and filmed through it. “You should be off IV by tomorrow.”

Steve felt nothing.“Good.”

“And eating.” His smile was a little forced and none of his apparent cheer lit his eyes.“Hospital food.”

Julia grinned.“Don’t put him off, Jess.”

“I’m not.He likes our food.”

“Then you definitely belong in that bed, you’ve obviously very sick!”She laughed and turned to leave.“See you later.”

Steve tried to smile, found he couldn’t.Instead he studied Jesse’s face.“You look tired.”He murmured.

“That’s my line.”

“I saw you when I was brought in.Have you been working since then?”

“I had a couple of hours off.One of the joys of being a doctor.”The false cheer again, and Steve felt faint annoyance that Jesse would pretend with him.

“You should home.Get to bed.”

“Not an option.I’m working.”

Mark entered the room.Jesse’s features briefly revealed his true feelings, tired and afraid, and then it was gone.Professional again.He smiled at Mark.“I’ll leave you two alone.”

“Thanks Jesse.”He said, squeezing his arm as the doctor passed.

Mark pulled the chair to the edge of the bed, and sat down.Steve was making very good progress, but Mark felt it was too early to tell him about Nathan.

Of course, it always would be.

“Its about Nathan.”Steve said, voice hollow.

Mark nodded.“He suffered severe cranial trauma including a large haemorrhage and damage to his left cerebral hemisphere.We did everything we could, but…we decided to run an EEG, an electroencephalograph, to check for brain activity.” Mark took a breath.“There wasn’t any.I’m sorry.Nathan’s brain is dead.”

******

Steve went numb.He knew he ought to feel fear, or even anger, and knew the comfort to be found in that, but he felt nothing.

His father was still talking.About Nathan, he guessed, but the words ebbed and flowed like a tide without ever being truly heard.Nat was gone.

But Nat was still breathing.

Nat’s spirit was aloft, yet his earthly heart still beat.

It all seemed so funny.And he laughed.But he didn’t feel any joy.

When he stopped, it was because of his father’s face, lined with worry, and age, and sadness.He should have felt concern, or guilt.

But he was numb to that as well.

****** 

Mark held his son while the panic driven hysterics faded away.When he judged Steve ready, he continued.“We’ve decided to switch his life support machine off.”Mark told his son quietly. “It won’t be until tomorrow.Mrs Reeves has agreed to sign the consent forms for Nathan’s organ’s to be used for transplants and there’s some paperwork to do.”

A smile lifted the corners of Steve’s mouth.“He would have wanted that.”

“That’s what his grandmother said.”Mark confirmed.“He was a good man.”

Steve shivered at the words.“He was.”He whispered.Then he looked up at his father. “I want to be there.”

“Steve, you’ve just had surgery.”

“Wheel me up there in a chair if you have to.I want to be there, I _need_ to be there.”

Sighing, Mark nodded.“OK.”

******

Julia looked up from her copy of ‘Time’ magazine when the door opened.Jesse smiled and indicated the bed.She mouthed the word ‘ _sleeping’_ back.

She expected him to come back later, but instead he slipped quietly into the room.

“Can I have a few minutes?”He whispered.

She frowned slightly, but nodded and left him alone with Steve.

Jesse settled on the edge of the bed, and watched the slow in-and-out of Steve’s chest.Rise and fall…Life.He reached out and lightly brushed the soft light brown hair.Then just as quietly as he had entered, Jesse slipped out of the room.

Steve opened his eyes and stared up into the darkness.

** ***3*** **

** Saturday,  ** ** 09:14 **

Mark arrived at the nurse’s station to see Detective Collins waiting for him.The absurdly skinny man looked haphazardly dressed and harangued.

“Ishmael!”

At his side, Jesse covered a snickered.

Mark frowned.“I think your own name puts you in a glass house, Jess.”

Collins ignored him.“I’m afraid I don’t have good news.”He said.“Our captain ordered a forensics team to look over Steve’s car.That’s SOP.But they found evidence to suggest that the car had been tampered with.”

“Then it was no accident?”

“No.”

“Who would want to kill Steve?”Jesse asked.

Both Mark and Collins looked pointedly at him and a blush crept across his cheeks.“Oh yeah, just about everyone we’ve put away for the last few of years.”

“We’ve got Briggs running through Steve’s cases and pulling any matches from the recent parole lists.If anyone with a grudge against Steve is out there, we’ll find them.Until then, uniform’ll be posting a guard outside Steve’s door, just in case.”

Reassured, Mark relaxed.“When are you going to tell Steve?”

“Now.”

“Could I ask you to wait a day?”

Collins frowned, “Steve’s imput on this would probably narrow down the possibilities.He knows better than I do who might want to kill him.”

“And he’ll still know tomorrow.”Mark replied.“Today…isn’t a good day.”

*****

The small private ICU room was dark.Someone had pulled down the heavy blinds to keep out the too cheerful sunshine.Steve missed it.This sad, pathetic little tableau needed something to take away the ugliness that hung over it.If he hadn’t been stuck in a wheelchair, with a catheter up his privates, he’d have gone over to open them.

Nathan lay in the bed, obscured by tubes and wires; made inhuman by the mechanical hiss of air being forced into his lungs.Steve’s mind flashed on an execution he’d watched a long time ago.The man laid out, strapped, waiting for a doctor to come and steal his life.

Just as Nathan was waiting now.

Mark touched his son’s shoulder, unconsciously hurrying him.He should have had all the time in the world to say goodbye.As Nathan’s lover, he should have had that right.

But he didn’t.

Nathan’s grandmother would be there soon, for her own goodbye, and she had no idea of he grandson’s preference.Nathan had wanted it that way.And Steve was not cruel enough to shatter the woman’s illusions just for a few extra snatched moments.

Steve took Nathan’s hand, surprised at how warm and alive it felt.He brought his fingers to his lips and kissed them.He knew he should tell him ‘I love you’.But it wasn’t the truth.

Cared yes. Attracted, liked, admired… all were true.But not love.

And Steve was not liar either.

He squeezed the hand.“Good bye, Nat.”

The moment broke as Jesse brought Mrs Reeves in, supporting her arm.She clutched him like a life preserver in a very rocky ocean.

Jesse helped her over to her grandson’s side.She had the glassy glint of tears in her eyes as she took Nathan’s hand and clutched it to her like she might never let go.

“We’ll leave you to say good bye.”Mark said, and began wheeling his son away.

Mrs Reeves looked around, saw Steve.“You…knew Nat?”

“I’m Steve.”Bitterness filled his voice.“I was driving the car that crashed.”

She stared vacantly back, showing no blame, no hatred.Only sorrow.“Were you his friend?”

“Yes.”

She thought for a long while.“He’d want you here.All of you.”She looked up at Mark.“And I have no goodbyes.Time’s on my side, we’ll see each other again.Please…” She indicated the machine.

Mark and Jesse looked at each other, then moved around to the switches.Mark completed the short shut down and silence fell.

A moment past and the body gurgled, just a fraction, fighting for life.And then nothing.

Jesse felt for a pulse, and consulted his watch.“ 14:17 .”

Mrs Reeves sobs broke the peace and she laid her head against the still hand of her grandson, bending over him.

Mark quietly wheeled Steve away, touching Jesse’s arm on the way out.Jesse nodded and lay a hand on Steve’s shoulder briefly, before watching them leave.

After a moment, Jesse knelt at Mrs Reeves' side.“Are you going to be all right?”

She looked at him and touched his cheek.“You’re a good boy, Jesse.”

Jesse let her evasion of his question go, not wanting to push.“If you need anything, however small, or if its late, or…anything…”

“I will.”

******

It was over an hour later when Jesse finally caught up with Mark.“How’s Steve?”

“Sleeping. I’ve asked Jule to sit with him, and Amanda’s going to take over when her shifts finished.I don’t want him to be alone for long.”He frowned, and looked critically at Jesse.“How’re you doing?”

“Me?Fine.”

“Jess, Nat was your friend.Steve is your friend…”

He felt a flash of anger.“Jule said something?”

Mark nodded.“She’s just worried about you, Jesse.”He lay a hand against his shoulder.“I’m worried about you too.”

“You should be worrying about your son!”

“I’m a parent, I have an endless supply of worry.I am worried about Steve, but right now, I can do you more good than him.”

The look on Jesse’s face told him that he’d given the wrong answer, if there was a right one.That there was something else he should have said.All emotion shut down on Jesse’s features and all of a sudden he became Dr. Travis, a persona Mark rarely saw.

“I have patients.”Jesse murmured.And he walked away.

******

“Hey.”

Steve put his fork down; glad of the opportunity to quit pretending he was actually going to eat the slop-on-a-tray a candy-stripper had claimed was lunch.

Amanda stood in the door, clutching yet another bouquet of flowers.“How are you feeling?”

Steve smiled.“Dad says I’ll be outta here in a few more days.”

“I meant Nath-”

Steve cast his eyes across to the teenaged girl by the window and Amanda fell silent.

The candy-stripper took this as her cue to leave and she hopped up.“Bye.”

Now alone, Amanda sat on the edge of the bed.“OK, how are you really?”

Steve sighed, evading.“Tired.”

“I mean, about Nathan.He wasn’t just a friend was he?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.He seemed like a good man.”

Steve’s fist thumped down onto the bed-table, knocking the food tray to the floor with a loud clatter.Amanda jumped.

“Steve!”

He sat still, body held completely rigid.She put her arm around him and he relaxed against her.His tears wouldn’t come and he didn’t force them.Instead, he took the simple comfort that she offered.

After a long while, he broke from her, looking embarrassed.“Sorry…” He said, and swallowed.“About the mess…”

Amanda smiled.“Its OK.It doesn’t matter.”

Steve stared into space and Amanda frowned.“What is it?”

“Nathan…was a good man.”

“He must have been.If someone like you could fall in love with him.”

Steve flinched, looked down.“No.”He whispered.

“Steve…?”

“No, I didn’t love him.”The words came out roughly.“I couldn’t.There was someone else.”

A moment passed, and then…“Jesse.”Amanda murmured.

His head came up in surprise.

“I guessed.A couple of years back.”At the faint panic on his face she shook her head.“And no, Jesse doesn’t know.”

Shame filled him at his thoughts of Jesse.“He deserved better.Nathan… He should have been loved.He should have been in a car with a man who loved him enough to keep his eyes on the road!”

“Steve, you can’t blame yourself.You can’t control who you fall in love with.Sometime it’s so perfect with one person, and you just can’t love them.And another time, everything is wrong and yet there’s something there, stronger than reason.”She made him look at her.“And you can’t blame yourself for his death.It was an accident.”

“No…No, I’m afraid it wasn’t.”

Mark’s voice echoed in the room and they both turned towards the door, startled.Mark and Collins stood at the entrance.

“Someone tampered with your car.”Collins told him.“This is now a homicide.”

******

Jesse had called his dad when he got home.Dane had made polite conversation, and failed totally to hear the note of pain in his son’s voice.Jesse had hung up, feeling angrier with himself for expecting Dane to be any different, than at his father for never bothering to get to know him.

Julia tried to lift his mood over dinner, but he was too caught up in his own thoughts.Finally she put her cutlery down and frowned at her non-responsive friend.“OK,” she said, annoyed.“I offered to make you dinner, and I poured you wine. I even put on my best dress and I did my hair... And this is all the conversation I get.”

Jesse looked up from his package meal and frowned.He pushed thoughts of his father away and mentally replayed what she had just said.“You didn’t make this, you nuked it.And you dressed up because you came home wearing scrubs.”

“Well, OK, but there’s the wine…”

“Its domestic.”

Her fork clattered as she tossed it down.“It was a joke, Jess. Lighten up!”

“’Lighten up?’I have one friend in the morgue, waiting to be autopsied by another, one in the hospital bed, hurting and one who’s rapidly outstaying her welcome.”

“I’m trying to help you. And if you want me to move out, I will.You were the one who wanted me to stay!”She took a breath, forced herself to be calm.“I’m sorry.I know…I know you’re having a hard time, OK?”She pulled her chair over to his side of the table.“What is it?Is it Steve?”

“No!”

“Jess, I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at him.”

He didn’t reply.

“You know, I heard him call your name.”She said carefully.“When he was sleeping.”

He got up and walked away.

“Jess!” She called after him.

“Do you know what my dream is?”He asked, “the only thing I wish I had?”

She shook her head, surprised by the change of topic.

“Not kids, or a house, or car.”He laughed at his own stupidity.“I want a dad.I want _Steve’s_ dad.”He sank back into the chair.“I do have…Dane, my dad, but we’re not close and I used to think it didn’t matter.Until I met Mark and Steve and…”

“Now you know what you’re missing?”She guessed.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t understand. What’s that gotta do with Steve?”

He looked at her, angrily.“What if I’m projecting?”

“Projecting what?”

“My feelings…for Mark...onto Steve.” He looked down. 

“You think you…” She sat back, choosing her words carefully.“…care for Steve?”

“Starting to…I think.”He bit his lip.“I don’t know if it’s real.”

“Real?”

“What if any feelings I have come from wanting Mark to be my dad!”

“By being with Steve!” She gasped, unable to keep from laughing.Jesse glared at her, a spark of angry betrayal in his eyes.She forced herself to calm down.“I’m sorry, Jess.But that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!”

Jesse got up and kicked the chair in frustration.And she sighed.“Look, I love this condo, and I love the view and the parking, and the company and I love staying here… But I don’t think I’m going to invent feelings for you just so I could stay here forever. “She got up and looked him in the eye.“OK, truth?”

He nodded.

“If you have feelings for Steve, then you have feelings for Steve.Simple as that.”

There was the glint of moisture in his eyes.“But it’s not that simple.”He said desperately.“I am not gay.I like women.I love women.And I love making love to women.I am not gay!”

“I’m not saying you are.”She soothed.“But if you have feelings for a man, now or before, or, or in the future…then, its possible…and I’m not saying you are, but just that its _possible_ …that you’re bisexual.”

A long, long moment of stunned silence followed.

Julia smiled.“Which, if you think about it, doubles your dating possibilities.”

Jesse barely got to the toilet before he lost his lunch.

** ***4*** **

** Sunday,  ** ** 07:56 **

Steve woke the next morning to the absolute knowledge that Nathan was gone.He would be down in the morgue by now, with a label around his toe, his entire existence recorded and marked only by bytes on a computer system, and a piece of paper.

And then he remembered…. Collins and his father - telling him that his car had been rigged to crash.And that Nathan had been murdered.

He’d died because someone wanted Steve dead.

Instead of feeling responsible for killing Nathan, he felt responsible for leading someone to kill Nathan.

Guilt for guilt…

But at least now his anger and need to avenge Nathan’s death had a target.He would find whoever was responsible for this, and see them on death row.

“Hey.”

Jesse walked in the door, carrying a huge basket of bluebells.Imported, probably. They must have cost a small fortune.Then he realised his friend was dressed in ‘civvies’, a dark blue top and jeans.

Jess blushed under the scrutiny, remembering his conversation with Julia.He didn’t want to believe she was right.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to be out of that white coat.”

Jesse frowned, “you’ve seen me out of it a hundred times.”

“I wasn’t a patient then.”

“Well don’t worry. I’m not here to give you a bed bath.”

The words, innocently uttered, caused them both to squirm with embarrassment.

To distance himself, Jesse put the flowers on the bedside.“I know they’re your favourite so…”

That surprised him.“Thanks.”

“So, how are you feeling?”

Steve smiled.“That’s a new record.At least five minutes passed between you walking in and asking that.Its usually the first thing people ask.”

“I wanted to as well.I’m just more subtle.”

“Subtle?You?”He sighed.“I’m OK.Not great, but OK.”

“I’m sorry.About Nathan.”Jesse said quietly.“He was a good man.”

Pain constricted his breathing.“Good…” he felt tears well in his eyes.“Not good enough for me…”

Jesse immediately lay an arm across his back.“Steve…?”

“I couldn’t love him.”He admitted bitterly.“And he knew it.”Sobs began wracking his chest and he let them come, embracing their release.“But he wanted to be with me so much, he accepted that.He deserved better!”

“You can’t blame yourself for that.”Jesse murmured, hugging the large, but surprisingly frail frame of his friend.“Nat wouldn’t want you too.He obviously hoped that one day you would love him.”He touched Steve’s cheek.“And looking at you now I’d say he was right.”

Steve leaned into his palm, felt the warmth heat his flesh.His eyes met Jesse’s, wide and bright, and the doctor didn’t flinch or look away.Instead, he returned the gaze, caught up.

Steve broke away first and buried his head in Jesse’s’ shoulder, wishing his friend was right – that he had loved Nathan, in his own way.

Maybe he had.But it was pale against the feeling of being here, in Jesse’s arms with the feel of the doctor’s chin resting lightly on his head.

*****

Jesse sat with Steve a long time, stroking his hair, offering this small comfort as the silent tears slipped free now his sobs were spent.The weight of manliness felt strange in his arms.A difference, yes, but fulfilling.It was almost like a piece of his inner puzzle, missing for so long, had fallen into place.

A shiver took him at the realisation, and Steve pulled away when he felt it.Jesse smiled his reassurance and settled Steve back into his arms.

******

After a while, Steve stirred, gently disengaging himself from Jesse.“I want to get out of here.” He murmured.“I want to get back to work.”

Jesse frowned.“You want to find who did this?”

Angry, Steve nodded.“Yes. It’s because of me Nathan is dead.”

“Steve you can’t blame yourself!”

“No?If Nat hadn’t have been with me, he’d still be alive.”

“You can’t think like that.If I hadn’t introduced him to you he’d still be alive, are you going to blame me too?”

Steve didn’t answer him.

“Look, Mark and I talked to your captain.He’s put you on leave for the next three weeks. He doesn’t want you back at the precinct.Not yet.Not until they’ve found-”

“You had no right to talk to him!”

“We have every right!Your dad loves you and I love you.And even if we didn’t, our professional opinion, as _doctors_ , would be the same.That you need rest for at least 2 weeks.”

His heart gave a painful ache at Jesse’s confession.“I need to do this.For Nathan.”

“You can’t, Steve.”His tone was level. “Your captain agreed with us.You have three weeks sick leave, followed by any other time you might need.Long enough for them to work this out.”

“You can’t run my life.”

“I’m not.”He sat down.“You know I’m right.It s what you’d be telling me, or anyone else, if the situation was reversed.”

_ Cute little Jesse, all grown up _ … Despite the frustration he felt, Steve liked the spark of maturity he had seen in his friend over the last few days.He had never noticed it before.

“What am I going to do for three weeks?”

Jesse smiled a smile full of unconscious promises.“We’ll think of something.”

******

** Five days later… **

The funeral was small, and dignified.A church service, to which all were welcome, followed by a private burial with family and close friends.Steve, of course, was not invited to this, unable to tell Nathan’s grandmother of his true meaning in Nathan’s life.

Strangely though, he found himself less resentful that he was excluded, more relieved.

It wasn’t that he hated burials, although he most certainly did.Or that he was afraid of confronting Nathan’s family.

It was because he wasn’t a hypocrite.Tears for a man he had wanted to love, but couldn’t, would be cruel and empty.The only tears he shed now were for the promise he saw in Jesse’s eyes.

He’d waited so long to see it and had given up hope he ever would.

And now, in the tatters of his life, when _he_ couldn’t be with Jesse, he saw that it was possible.

He gave his police guard the slip and visited the freshly dug grave the morning after the funeral, and laid flowers.He didn’t speak.After a while, he left, saying, at last, the only thing left to say. 

“I’m sorry…”

He knew Nathan would say there was nothing to forgive.But there was. And maybe one day, Steve would forgive himself.

He hailed a cab and meant to give his own address, but heard Jesse’s come out of his mouth instead.The traffic was bad and by the time the cab pulled up outside of Jesse’s condo, it was getting dark.

He rang the bell and waited, not knowing what he would say when Jesse answered.

Julia opened the door, dressed in one of Jesse’s shirts and nothing else, towelling her hair dry.“Hi, Steve.”

He almost choked on the pain that constricted his chest.“Oh…I…”

“Jesse’s in the shower, but if you wanna come in and wait, he won’t be long.”

“No, I…that’s OK.” He turned to go before she could notice the sudden spring of tears in his eyes.

He had been wrong.

Worse, he’d been fooling himself that Jesse could ever want him.

The signs had been there.Jesse and Julia laughing, touching, working… Jesse and Julia, Jess and Jule… Even their names were perfect together.

He began walking away.

******

Julia thumped on the bathroom door and yelled loud enough to be heard over the shower.“JESS!”

“Yeah?” Came back through the wood.

“You’d better get out here.”

“If that was the old lady from 304 just explain I don’t own a cat, have never owned a cat and I don’t plan on owning a cat.”

“No old ladies, no cats, Jess.”She shouted.“It was Steve!”

The sound of the water ended abruptly.The door opened and a soapy, dripping wet head poked out.“Steve?”

“Yeah, and he saw me.”

Not understanding, Jesse frowned.“You shoulda told him to wait.”He said in annoyance.“He’s only just got out of the hospital, he should be resting.”

“Um…Jess?”She looked embarrassed.“If Steve were a girl and she came by and saw me…” And she did a twirl to show off her lack of decent attire.

“Oh.”

“I think it’s the same with guys.”

*******

Steve walked.One foot in front of the other, taking him away from what he’d witnessed.Jesse was a heterosexual, he always had been and he always would be.The ‘clues’ he’s seen had been nothing more than his own wishful thinking.

“Steve!Steve!”

The shouts shattered his thoughts.He turned and saw Jesse running towards him, going full tilt to catch up.His shirt sticking to his still wet skin and his hair full of soap.

Jesse stopped in front of him, breathing heavily.And, gloriously, the bright crimson blush on his cheeks wasn’t all to do with the excursion.

“I-that-Um…” Jesse spluttered.“Jule…um, Julia is…She just staying with me.On the couch.As a friend.”He took a deep breath, tried to stop gasping air, failed.“She’s my friend.From college.She hasn’t found a place yet and we’re not…I mean, we were, but we’re not.And we haven’t.For years.”He waved his hands.“A lot of years,” His panic overtook him and he covered his face with his hands.“Oh, god.What am I saying?”

Steve put a hand on his shoulder before he could leave.“Shh, calm down, Jess.”

Jesse closed his eyes, and concentrated on breathing evenly.Steve waited, feeling his heart race with fear and excitement and anticipation.He knew he was smiling and he didn’t care.

“I…Steve, Jule is an old girlfriend and I said she could stay with me until she finds her own place.That’s all.”

“Jess,” he said softly, not daring to let himself dream.“You didn’t need to tell me that.”

The doctor met his eyes and Steve saw just how scared and confused he was.“Yes, I did.”

A long moment passed, and they looked at each other, one frightened, one hopeful, both waiting.

Jesse swallowed.“How did you know?”He whispered.

“Know what?”

“That you were…gay.”The last word was only just squeaked out.

Steve felt a wave of shock run through him; barely able to comprehend this was happening.

*****

Jesse could hear his own heart pounding in his chest, terrified of what he was doing, what he was saying, but unable to stop.He had wanted time to assimilate his feelings, but Steve’s arrival had changed that and he had to cope now, accept it now.Or lose anything he might have otherwise gained.

If Steve sensed the turmoil inside the doctor at that moment, he gave no outward sign.

“I don’t know how I knew.”Steve voice was rough.“I guess I always felt there was something missing in my relationship with women and one day, I-I met a man who filled that space.”He smiled at the memory.“It felt right, Jess.And pretty soon after I admitted that to myself, the rest of it just fell into place.”

“Rest?”

“Sexual feelings.” He said frankly.“Stronger and deeper than I’d ever felt before.”

Jesse felt a hint of relief.A light in the darkness he could concentrate on.“You mean, you didn’t feel that with women?”

“Sometimes. But never as strong.Never complete, or total.No questions.”

“And if you have total and complete and strong feelings for women then…you can’t be gay?”

Steve laughed.“I can’t say, Jess.”

“But if you had, then it could’ve been a phase?”

“Jesse, I don’t have all the answers.I don’t think mature, responsible adults have ‘phases.’Kids and teens, yes.If someone is attracted to their own sex then there’s a good chance the might be gay.And if they still feel the same about the opposite sex as well, then I guess they’re probably bisexual.”He sighed.“Why are you asking me this, Jess?”

******

Jesse went still.Steve watched the conflict play out in his eyes.Trying to bring his feelings in line with everything he believed about himself.He wanted to comfort Jesse, tell him everything would be all right.Who you are is who you are; no label, gay or straight or in-between, could change that.

Jesse pulled back, almost shrinking in on himself.Probably wondering what the hell he was doing.Waiting for something, and not knowing what.

Steve knew – an answer.And a few weeks ago that answer would be a resounding yes.But now…

Now he had some bastard out there, willing to murder for revenge.

Steve couldn’t lose Jesse like he lost Nathan.He couldn’t let his own wants and needs endanger Jesse.

He reached out, and pushed a soapy, dripping lock of blonde hair out of Jesse’s eyes, rolled it between his fingers.

But he couldn’t let Jesse walk away.

“You’re the best friend I got, Jesse.”

Uncomfortable now, Jesse stepped back.“I shouldn’t-”

“No, I’m glad you…did this.”He took a risk and cupped his friends cheek, stroked his skin with the ball of his thumb.“You…” His nerve went and he lowered his hand.“You should wash the soap out of your hair.And I’ve got to get home. Dad's probably got the search parties out by now.”

Steve faced the road and waved down a passing cab.

“Steve?”Jesse croaked, shivering with fear, almost desperate.“Where do we go from here?”

Steve gave in to the sweet, sweet temptation in Jesse’s eyes.The need for reassurance, that he didn’t understand, so plainly written there.His life and everything he was laid bare for Steve to see.

Steve pulled him close, moulding the young man to him.He lifted Jesse’s chin with his fingers.Cold feet struck an instant later and he laid a chaste kiss on his soapy damp brow instead of full on those lovely lips.

Jesse trembled in his arms at the sensation, but Steve guessed it was more from surprise and guilt than arousal or disgust.

“We’ll talk soon.I promise.”He whispered.

Jesse nodded and watched Steve get into the cab.

*****

Carlo Devetti, former detective sergeant, leaned back in his car seat, watching Steve's cab drive away. He fought his revulsion. The scene he witnessed made him ill. Men with men. Or in this case, men with boys, corrupting them.No wonder Sloan had wanted him put away; had sent him to that hell-hole the state called prison, where he had all but rot the last three years. At the time, he had thought it was because Steve was an arse-hole of a Boy Scout who had to protect everyone, even queers.  
But no....

Sloan was a fag.A filthy stinking fag.

One more reason to kill him.

~~END~~


End file.
